Things Done Well: 27bslash6

August 27, 2011

I was cleaning out one of my inboxes this morning and came across an e-mail my sister forwarded to me a little over a year ago. Titled “Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight” I can only assume that the reason I didn’t pay more attention to it when it arrived was because my son was 48 hours fresh to this world and I was sleeping on a sofa in a Chinese hospital.

Holy Christ is it funny.

For those that don’t know who David Thorne is, and haven’t visited his immensely hilarious site 27b/6, essentially he writes satirical, at least partially fictional, articles that are frequently in the form of e-mail exchanges. Here’s an excerpt from Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight:

Darryl. The kind of friend Jesus would have.

While preaching is not allowed in Australian public schools, it is apparently fine to replace school counsellors with ‘Christian Volunteers’ such as Darryl.

A few years ago, the government realised that they could hand over school counselling roles to a willing Christian church without having to pay for the privilege. Now almost half of Australian public schools have a Christian volunteer as a full time member of the school community with parents having no direct control of how much their children are exposed to.

Although usually an advocate of people being entitled to their opinions, sexual preferences and beliefs, I seem to have developed some form of mental glitch that makes me want to punch Daryl’s fat head.

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.

Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.

As I trust my offspring’s ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination process on the proviso that all references to ‘Jesus’ are replaced with the term ‘Purportedly Magic Jew.’

Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I’ve seen the play and it’s not indoctrinating anyone. It’s a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

I was actually in a Bible based play once and played the role of ‘Annoyed about having to do this.’ My scene involved offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus then standing between ‘I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho’ and ‘I don’t feel very well’. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhoea causing ‘I don’t feel very well’ to vomit onto the back of Mary’s head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticised for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.

Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god’s promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.

Regards, David.

Read the rest of “Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight.” Equally hilarious are … well… pretty much every article on the site. Some of my favs:

David’s also published a book, “The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius“, which is (somewhat surprisingly) also available via Amazon.cn.

11 Responses

  1. I don’t know, counselor Darryl comes across as considerate, patient, well-meaning, and polite. David seems antagonistic, unfriendly, sarcastic, and mean.

    I think Jesus got the better end of this correspondence… 

    Reply

    • It’s a matter of perspective I think Jon. First and foremost, this is entirely satire, and so very likely completely fabricated. Regardless though, Darryl’s patience and politeness only exists in the context that he is required to be so from both his job and his faith.

      David’s antagonism is intentional to bring up the larger point of how Christianity is being pushed on public school students (and David’s child in particular).

      Used car salesmen, pyramid schemers and pretty much all snake oil salespeople come off as “patient, well-meaning and polite” — it doesn’t make them good people.

      And from my perspective at least, peddling fictional stories as “real” under the banner of an educational institution to impressionable young people isn’t just wrong, it’s criminal.

      Reply

      • Ryan, you are spot on! That piece IS hillarious! My husband and I have a term for them, “Professional Christians” as they are always wanting to get paid…er, I mean recieve donations for just living in China. 
        My husband, being an English-speaking Chinese, was constanly getting rung up by this crowd in Haikou with requests for favors and assistance with never an offer to compensate him. He finally realized they were just using him. He said to me one day, “It’s funny, they always thank god but they never thanked me.”

        Reply

  2. This this thinly disguised hate speech directed at a Christian. If it had been any other religion or group, David most likely would have been investigated for a hate crime. I don’t care if this was real or fake and I don’t care what race, religion (or none as the case may be), or group you are, we as a people have to stop thinking these types of things ate funny. Its hate pure and simple.
    It has to stop.

    Reply

    • Beth, please show me the hate speech or hate crime you speak of. I can certainly see how his satirical commentary on the insertion of religious activities in a publicly funded school might hurt the feelings of the Christian people, but labeling something as hate speech/crimes isn’t about protecting the feelings of people, it’s about preventing violence or discriminatory action against them. It, as a law, would also not disqualify Christians.

      Reply

      • By definition hate speech is speech that offends, threatens, or insults groups or individuals based on race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, disability, or other traits. This mans comments are offensive and insulting to those of the Christian faith. By your own words, his commentary “might hurt the feelings of the Christian people”…..isn’t that just another way of saying it is offensive to them?
        My point is this: offending and insulting others based on their race, religion, etc just because you don’t agree with them is showing hate. You can doll it up, dress it up or down, disguise it in humorous stories, or tell yourself that its just a little hurt feelings but its still hate at its core. We cannot keep passing this on to our children. Hate builds walls and hardens the heart until we stop seeing the living breathing person in front of us; instead we see a race or a religion or an orientation. It needs to end, Mr. McLaughlin, it needs to end and it has to start with each person standing up when confronted with it and saying: No more.

        Reply

        • The Internet must be a very difficult place for you Beth.

          Your comment offends me. What was an anonymous (almost definitely fictional) satire about the presumptuous attitude of Christian “volunteers” in Australian schools has become a personal attack on myself and Mr. Thorne. You’ve attacked both our good names — and by your own words, “No more.”

          Or maybe we can all step back and recognize that you’re just trying deftly hard to squeeze your square peg of an idea into this round hole of a post.

          No one is entitled to not being offended.

        • You asked me to show you where the hate speech was and I did so. I apologize that you felt attacked as that was not my intended purpose. The “you” I was referring to was not you personally.
          I don’t see how I have attacked your good name, sir. When I used your name, I was appealing to you directly – person to person.
          I have personally seen how quickly hurt feelings can grow into something much more sinister and nothing good ever comes out of it.
          I can see that you have made your mind up and will not be interested in anything I say from here on in so I will just leave you with this: Our children watch what we do a lot more then what we say and all I am trying to do is leave my daughter a more loving, accepting world to grow into.

  4. Just another thought: hurt feelings can fester and grow into something much darker. People have been killed for less.

    Reply

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